


Losses

by andromedaluly



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28866852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedaluly/pseuds/andromedaluly
Summary: Kira Nerys examines her faith after the events of "Tears of the Prophets" (season 6, episode 26).
Relationships: Jadzia Dax & Kira Nerys, Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys, Kira Nerys & Odo, Kira Nerys/Odo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	Losses

Drawing in a trembling breath, Kira stepped closer to the orb. She hadn’t attended services since Jadzia’s death, but now, here she was, standing in the spot where she had fallen. _Why had the Prophets allowed this to happen?_ Jadzia Dax had been innocent. She had never believed in the Prophets or the Pah-wraiths, nor had she ever willfully defied either entity. The injustice of it made Kira feel sick to her stomach.

There was a new Dax now, of course. It was surprising how little of _her_ Dax remained. How diluted her personality was, tangled in eight past lifetimes, all overshadowed by and buried beneath this new Ezri. It would take time for Jadzia to balance with Ezri and the others, just as it would take time for Kira to heal from the loss of the woman she had known. In this moment, she almost wished that there was no symbiont, that Jadzia was gone completely and that the thread of hope knotted in Kira’s ribcage was severed. It was like wishing away the Prophets, a private longing for nothingness.

Kira knelt to the ground, forming a wordless prayer for all of these thoughts she could not voice. She touched the floor where Jadzia had collapsed, convulsing before going limp under the Pah-wraith's assault. The ground here felt hot, as if the fire that had ripped through Jadzia’s abdomen was still burning into the carpet. Kira wondered if she had known then that she was dying. She hated to think that at this point, Jadzia may have been still hopeful that Dr. Bashir could save her life. In the end, she had been dreaming of she and Worf’s child, resigned to the fact that it would never be born.

Tears pricked at the corners of Kira’s eyes and she found herself wrapping her arms around her middle, trying to hold herself together. If only it had been _her_ standing before the orb. She would have been proud to die facing the evil she knew so well, to be with the Prophets right now, with the expanse of time spread before her. They had said themselves, she was a willing vessel. It _should_ have been Kira standing here in prayer, as she so often did, and not Jadzia, who had only tried to pray in a brief moment of yearning.

Kira needed to act. She couldn’t be still, for in the stillness her hatred blazed stronger. She needed to find Dukat, to watch him die, to make him suffer for what he had done. Bitterness was taking root inside of her. She hated how hollow she felt; she needed to fill the empty space with something. No, that wasn’t right. What she needed was to have faith. It was hard to imagine forgiveness, but she would do it as she had so many times before, forgiving unspeakable things. She could forgive herself for her own weakness. She could forgive the Prophets for abandoning her. But she could not forgive Gul Dukat…

A light hand on her shoulder interrupted Kira’s dark thoughts. She turned to see Odo behind her, his eyes filled with concern. She allowed him to wrap her in a tight hug and his arms were comforting, almost real. 

Jadzia had hugged her like this many times, her dark hair smelling of apple blossoms. Odo didn’t smell of anything at all. Shapeshifters didn’t tend to bother with such mundane aspects of the humanoid form. She was numb, and he was immaterial. They were both empty.

“Odo,” Kira whispered against his neck, “she’s gone.” It was an acknowledgement to herself more than anything. 

Odo frowned. “Do you believe, as Worf does, that Jadzia will be in Sto’vo’kor?”

Kira shook her head. “I’d like to, but I’ve only ever believed in the Prophets as the true gods.” Her head ached with the weight of tears behind her eyes. “And even if it is true, I know I’ll never see her again. I don’t think the Bajoran and Klingon afterlives have much overlap.” It had been an attempt at humor, but neither of them smiled.

“You’re probably right,” Odo said, “although I wouldn’t know.” He stroked her hair. “I’ve always admired your beliefs for the comfort they brought you. I wish they could do the same now. You two were...very close.”

“Gods, Odo, what am I gonna do now? What am I going to do?” 

_Do not cry, Nerys. Don’t you dare cry_ , she commanded herself. 

“You will win this war for her,” Odo said simply, and the words resonated through Kira’s entire being. 

_Yes_ , she thought, _a_ _s I have always done. When my mother was taken, I was fighting to grow up. When my father died, I was fighting the occupation. I’ve fought for Bareil, for the Shakaar resistance cell, for Ziyal…_

_For Jadzia, we will win this war._

She straightened her spine and gently pushed Odo away. He could see the resolve in her eyes and matched it with the changeling effortlessness of moving from form to form. 

“I love you, Nerys,” Odo said. 

“Yes,” she replied, “I know you do.” 

Belatedly, she added, “I love you, too,” her thoughts far gone.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for hopping on my little kira nerys pain train :)


End file.
